after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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