so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
