Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
