EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
