I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
