Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
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You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Holy shit dude........stairs
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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