Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Boobs are out for the taking
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
