My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
