Me. At least after what I've been through.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Terrible idea I love it
I want a musical about memes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
