I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
birth control should be required to get into college
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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