literally had 100 drinks last night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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