No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
