He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
