I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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