I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
