Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
