I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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