last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i will never coherently bang her
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
