i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
