I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
