I am in a vortex of obligation.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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