paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
