He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
