My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
