The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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