He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
