So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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