i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
