I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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