I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
