New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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