Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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