he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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