I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
