You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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