i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
