I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
