Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad