If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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