I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
