So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
