I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
