Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
