I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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