You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
