Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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