I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
