so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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