you would pick up someone in the library
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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