They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My breasts were aching with rage.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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