I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It's just like the Real World with babies
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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