Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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