I faked an abortion last night.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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